I completely forgot about my blog until recently. My last post was almost a year ago. As my 21st birthday approaces, I feel the need to 'grow up' and begin taking steps, of which many will have consequences (good or bad) that shall ultimately determine how my life plays out. This post is about that; an attempt to recognise regrets in order to prevent re-occurences later down the road. :).
Remember as a child, when you overheard your parents talking to their friends about 'the bills' and 'the car' and 'the house' etc... And you never really paid any attention, you were just thinking about playing pirates? I do. I remember thinking i had an eternity before i ever had to tackle those problems; the 'grown up' talk, me and my sister called it. But recently I’ve come up against problems of my own, ones which require me to make serious decisions. It feels like only yesterday my only problems in life were not having enough Lego blocks left to complete my castle.
Now I won’t bore you with my problems as you, no doubt, have several of your own, but i will bore you with the thoughts that my problems provoked within me. You're welcome :).
Firstly: I miss the sanctuary of my childhood, the freedom from discrimination and responsibility, never having to worry about the 'big bad world'. I miss that someone would always know 'what was best for me', and would relieve me of all doubt. As a child you never even knew what accountability was, wrongdoings were forgiven in a few hours, you were back to smiling and playing; forgetting what you even did wrong. "It's not his fault, he's just a child and doesn't know better."
I miss the fun i used to have with the most boring of toys; i recall an action man whose arm could be wound back and released to throw tiny plastic grenades. They would only travel 2ft maximum, (and they never did blow up Dr X's headquarters like in the adverts) but it was phenomenally entertaining to me that this little man could throw objects. I experimented with various projectiles, rocks...pennies...a tooth (true story)... and even though I could physically throw these things much further and faster, it was always more enjoyable to see the miniature plastic assassin do it. To have fun now i have to organise football, or get drunk to the point i spend the next day in bed, having the opposite of fun. In fact, the other day i was working out if i could afford to go skiing next year, 7 months of slaving and saving for a week of fun, I’m sure the '8-year old me' would slap me across the face and thrust a toy car in my hand!
This leads me onto my next and final thought, which is: I don't remember much of my childhood. As i sit here and try to recall past events, I’m struggling to come up with anything substantial. (I only managed to knock out that previous action man story because I scheduled a dentist's appointment last night and my neurons made the link) This isn't the result of a traumatising event that triggered my brain to block out all of my childhood, you'll be glad to know i had a fairly normal, and safe, upbringing. It's just that the memories are locked behind doors that require external stimuli to access. What I’m trying to say is that without something physical to remind me i cannot remember certain events. If i were to stumble across an old toy in the loft, I’m positive i would be reminded of the circumstances and emotions i experienced when i played with it. However, if that toy was thrown out years ago, it's a great probability that I’d never recall that childhood memory.
To me this is extremely unfortunate, imagine all the wacky things we did as children that we can't recall, memories banging on the doors of our minds, crying out to be remembered and re-experienced; but falling on deaf ears. Consider all the stories we could tell if only we had the key to unlocking the iron bars which keep our recollections prisoner. In many ways they're like the stars in the night sky, we know they're there, but they're an impossibility to get to.
Today is a new and great day. Today I’ll buy some Lego, Tomorrow I’ll build a castle and with God as my witness I’ll take a picture so I’ll remember it in 20 year’s time. I implore you to do the same, be it Lego, a doll house or a collection of teddies; make a memory to remember.
-A.
As a side note:
I had some bad news of late, a good friend and work colleague of mine recently passed away in the most tragic of circumstances. I don't think I’ll ever forget the way i felt when i heard the news; I was at work when a friend came in and broke it to us all, time really did stand still. Pure disbelief. My stomach was in knots, my mind was on overdrive trying to accept the reality of it and my heart was aching for his family. That was over a week ago now, but he's still in my thoughts, along with his loved ones, and i feel it appropriate to post a phrase of tribute to my good friend:
Chris you were a great guy, I never saw you without a smile and you were always the first to offer advice and knowledge to help me out. I hope you're resting peacefully. Your dear friend, Andy.
